I originally wrote this on March 10, 2011.
I read a few verses in my bible study the other day that really struck me and weighed on my mind. I really liked them for reasons I was not sure of… yet. They are currently my favorite verses. Then a friend on facebook posted as her status today “God always fulfills His promises, just not always the way we imagine.” There again, the nudging sensation started. Her status, those verses….
Basically anyone who knows me knows that in one week it will be 9 months since my husband was miraculously healed of his seizures. It took me six months to believe that he was healed. It is still unbelievable! I had resigned myself to hoping healing would come through doctors helping us manage the seizures.
For five years these seizures afflicted our whole family. Temporal Lobe seizures are different from convulsive seizures in many ways. One of the most devastating things about these particular seizures is that they steal the memories and personality of the person you love. I have described it as if something came in and snatched Jason out of his body and replaced him with a stranger. It took two years for us to even get a diagnosis, then the doctors started to medicate him… which brought on more personality changes….
The aura of these seizures could be intense feelings of sadness, doom, dread, fear and rage… and yes, I generally was the focus of his rage. When he was sick, a lot of times he could not walk. I would have to help him, and when our oldest son became big enough, he would help him because I exhausted.
When his seizures were active, I didn’t sleep because they (the seizures) didn’t. Through all of this, if he was able, Jason worked and went to church. Our routine didn’t stop. Throughout this time, I prayed. Everyone prayed, my husband, the kids, friends, churches, you name it they were praying. The medicine did not help. Every three months we would have to readjust because the seizures returned.
One year later, God had not healed him, so I grieved my husband, because I did not think that “he” would return. People then began asking “have you prayed?” When I said yes they would reply “well, you just have to believe. You aren’t praying hard enough”. I know they meant well, but I would become so angry at that question and those statements… and God. Which brings me to my verses, and what my friend posted…
So here is David, fleeing from Saul to stay alive. No clothes, no food, no weapons, just him on the run from the king who wanted him dead. A king that he loved, and was committed to. Talk about an intimidating enemy, and a heartbreak. I can imagine a warrior like David must have been pretty attached to his sword and armor. I know people who like guns today get attached to their weapons. He also had to leave his wife and children. So he goes to find refuge in the “city of priests” Nob. Most likely he was looking for comfort and rest if he was going to a bunch of priest. Right?
When he gets there he asks for bread. All they have is five loaves of the bread of the presence, their holy sacrament. But then…
1 Samuel 21:8-10 – David said to Ahimelech, “Do you have a spear or sword on hand? I didn’t even bring my sword or my weapons since the king’s mission was urgent.” The priest replied, “The sword of Goliath the Philistine, whom you killed in the valley of Elah, is here, wrapped in a cloth behind the ephod. If you want to take it for yourself, then take it, for there isn’t another one here.”
“There’s none like it!” David said. “Give it to me.”
Wow! I just love that! After David defeated Goliath, he took his sword and armor ur and gave it to the Lord. In one of his most desperate times, God gave it back. Talk about knock your socks off! We know that he had slain “tens of thousands” (with God on his side) by his sword. Imagine how he felt…to be weaponless, fleeing in fear, alone, only to be given the sword of Goliath! What a reminder of who God is that must have been for David! Not only that, but what a reminder it must have been of who God said David was, and the anointing that had been placed on him. It is so easy to lose focus and be afraid. I imagine David’s faith increased again that day.
As for me through the five years of my husband’s sickness, the fruit produced (dare I say it)….is patience and faith. I was looking for God to answer on my time-table. In my control. When he didn’t I gave up. I assumed it was a no, and I did what I could to reconcile myself to His no. I thought I was being obedient. But my “obedience” bred resentment and anger, those old deadly bitter roots. Nasty little weeds that if not uprooted will choke out any fruit the spirit is trying to cultivate in our lives. I am sure David never imagined Goliath’s sword would be there. I had gotten to a point where I could not imagine God would completely heal my husband. At best I was hoping he would use the doctors to do it. But He did so much better than I thought possible.. He reminded me of who He is, the good of the impossible. Our good,good Father.
~Just a woman.
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